I kept noticing a pattern. The older that I became (62) the more I saw seasons remaining the same.
Having this certainty, I did not feel any comfort. I became desperate.
I was sure of one thing. With each year, my pornography addiction became worse.
In November of 2013, the holidays were fast approaching. That year was the same as any other year; Growing worse was always the same.
I began to view hardcore pornography to get the high that I use to get. I was appalled by my decline.
There was one certainty in my life. My spouse’s daily habits were religiously the same. I knew when I could watch porn.
On November 6, 2013, I found myself online viewing pornography.
I was intent on in finding something new. I was not sure how long I was online. Feeling hopeless, I eventually clicked off the net.
I saw antidepressants on the bookcase. I snapped.
I dumped the entire bottle into my mouth. I realized what I had done, so I spat them out into my trash can.
I looked at the pills; all stuck together on top of printing paper.
What’s the use!
I reached into the trash and pushed the wet pills back into my mouth.
In the middle of the night, my wife found me on the office-bedroom floor.
(I don’t sleep with her; the grandchildren do.)
I woke up in the ICU of St. Anne’s Mercy Hospital; having lost time between taking pills and being in the hospital.
The seasons came and gone in 2014, but they were not the same. I had a better year.
Three reasons: Having 1) therapy, 2) support, and 3) Biopsychology to help me with my addiction.
In the next post, I describe how the three reasons helped me.